


Voltron Fanfic (*not clickbait*)

by Hayleythewriter



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Crack, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gay Keith (Voltron), M/M, Mutual Pining, Sex, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Tropes, cliches, klance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 08:04:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12860316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayleythewriter/pseuds/Hayleythewriter
Summary: over 100 Voltron fanfiction clichés in ONE overall cringey, melodramatic, and beautiful crack fic.





	Voltron Fanfic (*not clickbait*)

**Author's Note:**

> if you can count all the clichés and tropes used, comment down below how many there are! 
> 
> disclaimer*** this is a parody of cheesy voltron fanfic writers but I AM a cheesy voltron fanfic writer, and I love many of the fics I parody here. No hate! :) and also I love Hunk and Pidge this is just parody the poor way they get treated

The paladins of Voltron were standing around their giant castle. There was the short smart one, the chubby one who offers comic relief, the two important ones, the hot dad, and the perfect Princess Allura in her perfect pink paladin armor.

Coran clasped his hands together and spoke for the first and last time, “Well, Paladins, it looks like Zarkon isn’t going to attack us for like a week for some reason, so our schedules are open for some wacky romantic shenanigans.” 

“Let’s go form some diplomatic relations with an alien world,” Allura smiled. “That is what paladins do!” 

“Let’s _vamonos!_ ” Lance exclaimed, reminding everyone that he had some sort of Spanish upbringing. 

Keith scowled, wearing his skin tight, black and purple Blade of Marmora uniform, “I’m not a paladin anymore.” 

Allura rubbed her hands together and then shot them at Keith, “We need to form diplomatic ties right now! This is our number one priority, and we need you there, Keith.” 

Lance obnoxiously snorted, “Who needs Keith? I know I, a proud, independent bisexual, have never needed him and will never need him.” 

Keith glared, and folded his arms, “Shut up, Lance!” 

“Make me, mullet breath!” 

“Maybe I will, Cargo pilot ass!” 

“I hope you will, dumb hairstyle man!” 

“Alright, you two, enough!” Shiro, the heavenly father with a body built for sin, interrupted them like a kindergarten teacher interrupting a married couple. “Let’s go earn the diplomatic trust of a planet that will help us defeat the Galra. Even though they have never defeated the Galra before. This is still super necessary.” 

Pidge frowned, their glasses reflecting the light, “Hey, I didn’t get to say anything.” Hunk patted their shoulder, and then left the room to go make food in the kitchen. 

\--- 

“Hello Paladins of Voltron!” Said the Alien King named King Neila. “So, you want to form diplomatic ties, do you?” 

“Yes. This will greatly benefit your planet, and we need this too, probably,” Allura responded, smiling peacefully. 

King Neila spat on the ground at their feet, “Fuck off, Pala-dummies. There is only one action that would convince my people to accept your alliance, and no one has ever completed the task.” 

“I will do it!” Lance flexed his arms, “I have lots of self confidence, and I live for attention. There’s nothing I can’t do.” 

“Whatever action must be done, I’m sure Paladin Lance could easily complete it,” Shiro assured King Neila, and Lance bit into his fist because he had a major praise kink. 

Neila rubbed all five of his hands on all five of his chins, “Hmm. Very well. The only way to gain our alliance is if two paladins slept in the same bed for one night. No sex stuff. Just sleeping side by side. And probably waking up all tangled together from cuddling.” 

Lance laughed once and put his hands on his hips, “Easy! I could share a bed in my sleep! I’ll share with my best friend in the whole world, Hunk!” 

Hunk started to smile, but King Neila cut him off. 

“No! No, no, no. I get to pick who you share the bed with, and I pick the guy who’s been staring at you with metaphorical hearts floating over his head this whole conversation.” He pointed at Keith. 

Keith sputtered and blushed as red as his old lion (rip in pieces red paladin Keith) and said, “Wha- me- no! I’m not doing that!” 

“Why Keith, are you scared? Has the Blade of Mar- _snore_ -a made you soft?!” Lance called up their infamous rivalry, and Keith rose to the bait like a floating fish. 

“No! I could share a bed with you if I wanted to, stupid dummy!” 

“Prove it!” Lance shot back. 

“And remember our planet’s ancient, sacred saying: pics or it didn’t happen,” King Neila nodded profoundly. 

\- 

That night, Keith was lying next to Lance in Lance’s bed. He could hear Lance breathing even out until he was obviously sleeping, but Keith probably wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. He hadn’t slept for the past sixteen years, ever since his mom and dad died. It was hard for him, an orphan, to sleep, because he didn’t have any family around to teach him how to do it. But it was fine. Not sleeping was just something that Keith, as an orphan, had learned how to live with. It was just another part of his orphaned life. He stared longingly, lovingly, and lustfully at the sleeping Lance. Lance had a ton of family, and he was beautiful and perfect. Keith could never tell him how he truly felt, because he didn’t want to lose Lance’s rival ship, which was the second best relationship he had in his life, after his and his BFF Shiro’s. Keith was suddenly glad that King Neila had made such as strange request, because sharing a bed with Lance felt like a dream come true. Keith’s eyelids began to softly close. 

Keith slept, for the first time since he was three years old. And he woke up after eight hours, feeling safe and warm for the first time in his life. 

\- 

The next day, the paladins were in King Neila’s courtroom. Lance slapped the stack of selfies he and Keith had taken in bed together on the table, and then he blushed thinking about others things they could have done between the sheets. God, Keith was so perfect. Too bad he’d never love someone so lame as Lance. Yeah, Lance was an insecure mess, because he had deep layers. 

“There, they completed your task,” Allura said, in charge. “Now may we officially be your ally?” 

King Neila smacked the stack of adorable photos off his royal table, and let them scatter on the ground, “Congrats!” he bellowed, “But no way, bitch.” 

The paladins all gasped in unison, and Allura’s left eye began to twitch. King Neila must have realized the error in translations, “Sorry, y’all. In my kingdom, calling someone a ‘bitch’ is a sign of respect and deep affection. Does it have a different connotation where you’re from?” 

“Yes, but it’s quite alright, King Neila. Please, just say you’ll support the Voltron Coalition.” Allura smoothed out her perfect poofy white hair. Good thing this bitch apologized. 

The King sucked in his breath, “Ooh, no can do. There is another task you must complete. Haven’t you checked the calender?” 

Keith scowled, “We did what you asked! You can’t back out now.” 

King Neila frowned, “Today is a special day on our planet! It’s a fertility holiday that is most sacred to our people!” 

Keith rolled his eyes, “So, what?” 

King Neila pointed strongly at him, “So, if you want to prove your loyalty to my world, two of you must be in a romantic relationship and partake in the festival’s celebrations. This is literally the only way we will know that you are not Galra spies once and for all.” 

“Two of us have to date?” Shiro asked, to clarify the prompt. 

“Well, we’ll have to oblige their customs,” Allura shrugged. 

Shiro nodded, “Of course. But out of the six of us, who will date each other?” 

Pidge raised her hand, “If I date someone, do I get more lines?” 

Hunk shook his head, and Pidge pouted. 

Lance suddenly had a great idea that could never possibly go wrong. “Hey! Uh, Keith, could I talk to you for a second alone about a completely different topic?” 

Keith scowled, “Sure.” 

Lance and Keith separated from the group, and Lance put a hand on Keith’s muscular, perfect shoulder. “Hey, man. We should pretend to date.” 

Keith’s face turned as red as an embarrassed tomato, “What?! Lance! What are you-?!” 

“It’ll be like a prank!” Lance crafted a flimsy excuse, “We’ll lie to all of our friends, too. We’ll let everyone think we’re dating, and then after King Neila agrees to form an alliance, we’ll ‘break up’ and it’ll be so funny.” 

Keith scowled, “This is a stupid plan.” 

Lance’s widened his crystal blue eyes and begged, “Please, Keith? I’ll clean your Dirty Laundry for two months.” 

Keith glared, “What are you talking about? The castle does my laundry.” 

Lance glanced to the side, “I’ll, I’ll dance to Gasolina with you in my kitchen?” 

Keith scowled with glaring and blushed, “You don’t need to _do_ anything. I said this is a stupid plan, not that I wouldn’t do it.” 

“O-Oh,” Lance squeaked out, and blushed. 

Lance and Keith, aka Keitce, rejoined the group, who had been standing in silence and waiting for their return. King Neila scoffed at the approaching paladins. 

“So, back to the matter at hand,” said King Neila, “Will any of you agree to participate in a romantic relationship for our fertility festival?” 

“Wow, this is perfect timing,” Lance expertely wrapped his perfectly toned arm around Keith’s shoulders. Keith’s face burned like Shawty’s fire burning on the dance floor. Lance continued, “because Keith and I just started dating! Yep, we are totally dating, one hundred percent for real.” 

Pidge slapped her face with her hand, while Shiro and Allura blinked in surprise. Hunk was there, too. 

King Neila was delighted, “I am delighted! You two may now participate in our fertility festival! Come, let us dress you in our planet’s traditional religious dress.” 

Lance and Keith were both shown to dressing rooms and given new clothes to change into. Lance’s ensemble had no shirt, bright yellow suspenders, a firefighter helmet, and skin tight navy blue pants. Keith’s outfit was a black leather crop top that laced up in the front, and bright red short shorts with the word “Hottie” printed in white block letters across the butt. Both boys left their respective dressing rooms at the same time, and when they saw each other they both had strong reactions. 

“Wow, this, uh, alien humidity is so weird,” Lance said loudly, while bright red from the tip of his ears to his chest. Which Keith could clearly see because, repeat, Lance was shirtless. 

“Yeah I think I’m having an allergic reaction to it,” Keith said quickly, while calling upon years of discipline to force his eyes to stay on Lance’s face and not on the buldge in his tight, tight pants. 

“Yeah I think I’m allergic to the. . . air, too.” Lance tried to calm down the insane swell of desire within him, “We could have Pidge check it out later.” 

“Yeah,” Keith agreed, barely able to nod since the sexual tension filling the room was so thick. 

\- 

“This sucks, Hunk,” Pidge grumbled while in the castle kitchen with Hunk. 

“Why? We get free time and Lance and Keith get to pine after each other on a quirky adventure. It’s a win win.” Said Hunk, while putting his completed lasagna into the space oven. 

Pidge rolled her eyes, “I don’t care about this Klance slow burn bullshit. Why can’t we ever go to a planet where I discover the ingredients to cure space cancer, or where you and I get turned into merpeople and we have to create an antidote. Every planet we go to nowadays is just a giant game of spin the bottle with Keith and Lance as the only players. Who cares about romance?” 

Hunk grabbed a nearby bowl and began mixing gooey brownie mix with a wooden spoon, “Sorry, Pidge. Everyone cares about romance. All aliens across the universe want to see some love stories. It’s kinda sweet.” 

“Sure, you’d think it’s sweet. You have Shay.” 

Hunk laughed once, “Shay and I are a background couple, at best. But don’t worry. I’m sure Shiro will one day date you or Allura or your brother.” 

“That makes me worry more,” Pidge stuck out her tongue and shut her eyes. 

Hunk stopped mixing, “Want to lick the spoon?” 

“Of course I want to lick the spoon,” she grumbled, snatched the wooden spoon out of his grasp. 

\- 

“Keith, since we’re fake dating and all, should we maybe, I don’t know, hold hands?” Lance asked, nervously, as they stood amidst the planet’s fertility festival. They were surrounded by brightly colored booths with sweeping fabric roofs. Some booths sold flowers, others sold space condoms, candles, lipsticks in every shade, cards that said ‘I love you bitch’, boxes of chocolates, boxes made of chocolate, and there was a photobooth on every corner. The festival of fertility was truly a magical holiday. 

“H-hold hands?” Keith sheepishly looked at his dumb, calloused hands. Why would someone as perfect as Lance ever want to touch his sweaty, stupid palms? 

“Yes,” Lance, ever the flirt, grabbed Keith’s hand, and suddenly, they were holding hands. Keith blushed. Lance blushed. 

Best holiday ever. 

\- 

After a full day of wandering around and blushing, Lance and Keith were both tired. They had successfully had a first fake date, and everyone including King Neila believed their relationship was real. Suckers! They were totally fooled. No real romance going on between Keith and Lance, that was for damn sure. All those aliens who had seen them holding hands, stuttering, and blushing were going to feel like idiots when Keith and Lance revealed it had all been fake! 

As the two suns on the alien planet set, King Neila approached the boys, who were blushing and not looking at each other. 

“Keith and Lance!” He held open his arms, gesturing to the perfect couple, “As our Fertility Festival concludes, I come to take you to your bedroom.” 

“We have to share a bed again?” Keith asked, and Lance elbowed him. Keith quickly added, “Which is great, because our relationship is real.” Lance let out a sigh of relief. That had been a close one. 

The king continued, “Of course you will be sharing a bed! You must partake in the final and most holy tradition of the Fertility Festival! It is physically impossible for Galra spies to have sex in our Bed of Allies Who We Trust, so tonight you will be staying in our Future Alliance bedroom, so you can prove once and for Voltron can be trusted.” 

Lance shrieked, and Keith died. But only internally. 

\- 

That night, Lance and Keith stayed in the Future Alliance bedroom. It was awkward at first, since Keith, the lonewolf orphan, had never kissed anyone before. Lance, the bisexual flirt, had lots of experience, but he was nervous because he was deeply in love with Keith and wasn’t sure what parts of their relationship were fake anymore. 

They had a lot of sex, and it was hot and steamy, and very mature and explicit. 

They laid, naked in the silky sheets of the Bed of Allies Who We Trust. 

Lance was smiling as he said, “That was the best sex that I, Lance McClain, paladin of Voltron, have ever had.” 

Keith smirked, “Maybe it’s because of my mullet. You seemed to really enjoy running your hands through that.” 

Suddenly, both boys froze with sudden horrible realization. The room immediately filled with tension, as Lance’s shoulders tensed up, and Keith’s jaw clenched shut. 

In this universe, everyone was born with the first sentence their soulmate says to them after they first orgasm together. Obviously, neither boy had seen the other’s sentence which was clearly printed across the left arm. Everyone knew it was rude to read someone’s soulmate sex sentence. 

Lance glanced down at his left arm now, where written in bright red ink was the sentence, _Maybe it’s because of my mullet. You seemed to really enjoy running your hands through that_

Keith, suddenly realizing exactly what his soulmate sex sentence meant, reread his as well, _That was the best sex that I, Lance McClain, paladin of Voltron, have ever had_

Keith felt panicked. Lance sat up in bed, biting his lip. 

They were soulmates. 

Oh my god, they were soulmates. 

\- 

Keith and Lance didn’t talk to each other the rest of the night, consumed by their deep feelings that both were convinced were one sided. 

The next morning, Hank, Pudge, Shiro, and Allura joined Keith and Lance in King Neila’s throne room for the final time. 

“Did you have a good night?” Pidge smirked, knowingly. Keith glared at her. 

King Neila stepped forward, “Now that our alliance has been consummated, there is just one last thing we need of the universe’s hottest couple, Keith and Lance.” 

“What do you want?” Lance asked, dejectedly. After today, there would be no need for him and Keith to pretend to date any longer. Even though they were soulmates, there was no way Keith liked him. 

“It is our tradition that has been upheld for eons. After the Fertility Festival, we celebrate Confession Day! You two must confess a secret you’ve held for a long time.” 

Lance sighed. “Okay. I guess I’ll go first.” 

“Tell us, buddy,” Hunk encouraged his best friend. The other paladins gave Lance their full attention. 

Lance took a deep breath. Keith leaned forward. Lance suddenly blurted, “When Shiro finally came back to us, I thought he was a clone for a long time, because his haircut was so stupid. Now I just think he sucks at cutting hair.” 

Shiro’s jaw dropped, shocked and slightly offended. But space dad couldn’t stay mad at his second favorite child for long. As Pidge and Hunk snickered, Shiro patted Lance on the back, encouragingly. 

“It’s alright, Lance. I forgive you.” 

“Thanks, dad,” Lance hugged Shiro. Keith scowled. 

King Neila shook his head, outraged, “I don’t think so, bitch. When I say confession, I mean confession of the heart. A love confession.” 

Keith let out a shaky breath. “I guess . . . I could do one. Lance,” He turned to Lance, the most beautiful person he knew, “I . . . I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time. My whole life, I’ve had my soulmate sex sentence permanently etched across my skin in blue ink, and I’ve always wondered who Lance McClain, Paladin of Voltron was. Then when I met you, I convinced myself that you couldn’t be the same Lance McClain, Paladin of Voltron, that was my soulmate, because you’re so funny, and smart, and kind, and way out of my league. But now I’ll confess. . . I never stopped hoping it was you.” 

“Keith,” Lance’s crystal azule orbs filled with tears, “Keith, I always hoped that my soulmate with a mullet was you, too. I’m in love with you.” 

“I’m in love with you too,” Keith choked out, overwhelmed with emotion. They shared a passionate kiss with lots of tongue stuff, and some groping. 

Allura buried her head into Shiro’s shoulder, Shiro let a single tear fall down his cheek, Hunk handed over 20 bucks to a smirking Pidge, and King Neila was probably the most moved of them all. 

“This is a beautiful sight,” he cried, “I’m proud that my planet is a member of the Voltron Coalition.” 

Lance pulled apart from their kiss for a breath of air. Then he smiled at Keith and said, “Hey. Before we leave this crazy planet for good, do you want to check out the Bed of Allies Who We Trust one last time?” 

Keith smirked, filled with happiness, “I thought you’d never ask.” 

Suddenly, Prince Lotor appeared. Shiro, Allura, Poot, and Hunty all started cheering, thrilled that the dashing Galra royalty would bless them with his presence. Prince Lotor flicked his perfect, majestic hair over his shoulder and Lance and Keith both nearly dropped their pants right then and there. 

“Hey, Keith and Lance,” Prince Lotor seductively purred, “Mind if I join you?” 

“We thought you’d never ask,” Lance and Keith both squealed, eagerly in unison. 

\- 

Prince Lotor looked up from his tablet as the door to his holding cell slid open. It had been a few days since he’d asked the paladins for a discussion. Shiro and Allura, the obvious leaders of Voltron, had decided that the safest course of action had been to lock up Lotor on their ship until things settled down. 

Prince Lotor didn’t mind. They’d allowed him to keep his tablet, where he had been working on an equsitie piece of literature for the last couple days. If he was being honest, the paladins Keith and Lance had captured his imagination immediately, and he was thankful for a few days of solitary confinement where he could let his creative juices flow. 

But it appeared his time as a prisinor aboard the Castle of Lions was at an end. Finally, the paladins of Voltron would hear him speak. Lotor could barely contain his smirk, as Hunk, Keith, and Lance were the ones chosen to come and release him from his cell. Keith and Lance walked into the room, several feet apart, he noted. 

“We’re handcuffing you,” Keith spoke flatly, as Prince Lotor set his tablet on the floor of his cell and stood. “For extra precaution. And don’t even think about attempting escape.” 

“I wouldn’t dare,” Prince Lotor said, earnestly, while holding out his arms for Keith to slide purple, electrified handcuffs into. Keith looked him over, gruffly. 

“Let’s go, Lotor,” Hunk slapped a cautionary hand on Lotor’s shoulder and started walking him down the hall. Keith and Lance walked behind them, on high alert incase Lotor tried anything funny. 

“Did you notice him typing something on his tablet?” Lance asked Keith, eyes glued on the long haired prince in front of them. 

Keith grimly nodded, “Yeah. He’s been writing on it the whole time he’s been in his cell. But he wasn’t communicating to anybody, Pidge made sure of that.” 

“I wonder what it was,” Lance couldn’t stop the shiver from sliding down his spine. What would a wicked Galra prince write about with such dedication? New torture methods? Poison recipes? Military tactics? 

Keith sped up his pace, as they were almost in the control room where the others were waiting to begin discussions. “I don’t know, Lance, but it wasn’t in a language I recognized. We can get Pidge to translate it later.” 

“I’m not sure I want to,” Lance muttered.

**Author's Note:**

> if anyone wants to write a fic where Keith and Lance read a translated version of Lotor's fic PLEASE DO! :D it would make me so happy. And if anyone with artistic skill wanted to draw fanart of Keith and Lance's alien planet outfits, then please please please do ;) 
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr! I'm @sayhayitshayley  
> http://sayhayitshayley.tumblr.com/


End file.
